Thinking About Opening Your Relationship? Start Here.

Opening up a relationship can feel like stepping into unknown territory. So many couples enter therapy looking for a blueprint or a "how-to" guide for navigating the waters of polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, swinging, and so many other relational structures and identities.

As a clinician who works with couples navigating this decision, I sometimes have to deliver the hard news: there is no blueprint. There are books and communication strategies we can look to that can be helpful, but the work we need to do may be deeper than that.

On a macro level, non-monogamy isn't widely accepted. In a world that is quite sex-negative, talking about sex with your monogamous partner isn't always welcomed conversation. Forget about talking about sex with multiple partners. This can create an isolating feeling, and therapy can be a space to not feel so alone with your relational and sexual desires.

On a more personal level, knowing that your partner is exploring intimacy of any kind with another person may bring up insecurities. It may bring up some emotions we like to keep hidden: jealousy, anger, frustration, and even, perhaps, arousal. It makes sense why many people decide not to pursue this path, and for those of us who do, we might need to assess our ability to tolerate these feelings.

How do we know when jealousy or frustration is too great? What do we do when it becomes too great? These are all valuable, and vulnerable, questions to ask. The answers will be highly personal.

One final note: many people have a fear of taking the first step. "What if I sleep with someone, we both regret it, and then it ruins everything we have?" This fear is so, so valid. It can feel all-encompassing and touch on one of our deepest fears: What if I get left?

Sometimes these fears need co-regulation. They need a sounding board or a place to be explored and dissected. Whether that is with your partner, your therapist, a trusted friend, or perhaps all of the above, sometimes fears this great need air before we can make the best decisions about what we want for our future.