Putting a Pause on What Goes On Out “There”

In the room with clients, my goal is to stop the “shoulds” of the world outside. We often laugh as I point to the window in my office throughout the session, referring to what’s happening out “there.” But let’s dive into this, what does it mean when we pause the “shoulds”?

Out there, or more pointedly, out in the real world, we receive countless messages from dominant narratives telling us what we should want or who we should be. But how do we know which of those narratives truly fit our own desires? When every decision carries some level of tradeoff, how do we know when it’s “worth it”?

Layer on desires that fall outside of societal norms, and the confusion only grows. When what we want feels more complicated or unconventional, it’s easy to point to those external narratives as reasons why we shouldn’t do what actually feels best for us.

This is where therapy can be such a gift. For 50 minutes, we get to put what’s happening out there on pause. We turn inward, focusing not on what we’ve been told to want, but on what arises from within. What would it look like to choose what truly feels best for you? To choose what aligns with your own values and desires? Of course there are tradeoffs, but in this space, we can slow down and notice how those tradeoffs feel before deciding how to respond to them.

Eventually, the world keeps moving and we must step back out there. Before you do, it feels important to bring that awareness back into the room, to hold both the external realities and your internal truths at once.

Sure, it might sound freeing to quit your job or stop talking to a difficult family member. But then we realize how interconnected our lives are, and those choices can become muddier. Quitting your job might mean not being able to pay the bills. Cutting out a family member might bring its own form of pain or strife.

But maybe, just maybe, if we pause the noise of what’s going on out there for a few moments, we can make decisions that feel a little clearer. Decisions that feel a little more our own.