Why does relational power matter?

Now that we’ve unpacked what relational power means, the next natural question is: why does it matter?

When we first come into the world, we are physically incapable of surviving without relying on others, traditionally, our parents. They feed us, provide security, and ensure our basic needs are met. From this, attachment is formed. This is our first interaction with relational power as human beings. Out of love, parents use their relational power to protect and nurture their child.

As children, relational power is deeply imbalanced. Children typically do not provide relational security to their parents. In a secure setting, they are given safety so they can focus on growing. As they enter school and broader society, children begin to interact with others where the power may be more balanced, like peers, and others like teachers or coaches, where relational power is still quite imbalanced.

As children grow into adults, they enter more mature relationships. Long-term friendships, romantic relationships, and other forms of intimate partnerships begin to form. At first glance, these relationships may appear to have balanced power. But what happens when love and emotion come into play? Sometimes, we do things we don’t want to do simply because we love someone. That can be a beautiful aspect of love and it can also be a breeding ground for resentment.

Take this example: one partner decides to take a step back in their career to focus on managing the household, while the other partner advances professionally. Initially, this decision was mutual. But over time, resentment begins to grow. The partner who stepped back starts to wonder, What would have happened if I hadn’t? Or perhaps even, Why did I agree to that in the first place?

Feeling resentment and doubt in this scenario is entirely valid. Life circumstances may have shifted significantly since the original agreement. Recognizing that these decisions may have been influenced by relational power can be a powerful turning point. Once we are mindful of that, we can assess whether the situation is still serving us or if it’s worth reevaluating.

Relational power rooted in love can motivate us to do many things. But creating the space to question and challenge those decisions is essential to sustaining secure attachment, just like the one we began building in infancy.