Relational Power: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

So far, we’ve discussed what relational power is. When relationships form, a power dynamic naturally emerges. Power dynamics refer to the ways power is distributed within relationships which can then shape influence, control, and overall impact. These dynamics are not static; they’re deeply affected by the relational power that is present as well as by external systems and social factors.

We can’t talk about power without also talking about privilege. Privilege arises from increased access tied to the identities we hold. Throughout history, access to power through privilege has often led to harm. With that in mind, let’s explore some examples of power dynamics in relationships—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Good: Therapist-client relationship

Within the therapy room, there is a relationship that is formed between therapist and client.  As the relationship starts, there can be influencing factors that create an imbalance in semblance of power.  For example, the therapist may be the perceived expert in the room and the words they use may be held to a higher standard.  Oftentimes, therapists try to diminish this power by reminding the client that they are in fact the expert of their own lives.  Therapists do not push topics that a client may not be ready to discuss and consistently ensure the client is feeling like they are making steps towards achieving their clinical goals.  There are times where the therapist’s power could be influential, acknowledging this is important within this relationship.

The Bad: Parent-child relationship

While perhaps obvious, a parent holds a power dynamic with their child. The child is dependent on them for shelter, food, warmth, and many other basic needs. When a parent treats their child like a friend or confidant, the child may feel compelled to support the parent in this way out of necessity. For example, if a parent discusses marital problems with their child, the child may feel confused about how to respond. They love their parent and their parent is essential to survival; this may lead the child to step into the role of friend or confidant to appease them. When the child is met with positive reinforcement for offering this kind of support, the confusion can deepen. It is imperative that parents recognize the power they hold in their relationships with their children to prevent situations like this from unfolding.

The Ugly: Dominant-submissive relationship

Oftentimes in kink dynamics, one person, often the Dominant, holds an intentionally increased amount of power over the other person, often the submissive. This places a greater level of responsibility on the Dominant’s shoulders, and this increase in power should be used for the betterment of both partners. If the Dominant were to misuse this power to harm their submissive, or to pressure them into agreeing to something they would not normally consent to, things can turn ugly very quickly. D/s dynamics are rooted in the exchange of power, but as relationships progress, influence and control can easily become blurred. Kink dynamics can be healing when power is exchanged mindfully, yet if used incorrectly, the harm can be compounding.

Once you recognize them, power dynamics are everywhere in relationships. Relational power, power dynamics, and power exchanges can be used for good and they also can cause harm. Breaking them down and mindfully acknowledging them is the first step!